Barty And Danielle Use A Hot Tub
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Oliver has a little mishap with whom he shares Barty with. Crackfic for lunamoon2012


**_For Danielle's 18th birthdayyyyyy :)_**

**_Thanks for letting me use Barty, Danielle!_**

**_I don't own anything and Danielle owns Barty._**

**_Oh, I own the idea of the hot tub in the fic._**

* * *

Danielle climbs into the hot tub and is instantly screamed at through a speaker system on the edge of the hot tub.

"DANIELLE GET OUT OF THAT HOT TUB RIGHT NOW!" Amelie screeches because it's _her_ hot tub and she had plans to use it later.

"Why?" Danielle shoots back because she's the gobbiest brat there is in the world and she likes to question things. "It's not like you're meant to have one, since we're on year long drought warning," she continues and Amelie stays silent.

"Just…don't allow Oliver to go in it," Amelie concedes with disdain. "And if you find a wedding ring, it's mine."

Then her voice disappears and Danielle heaves a sigh of relief because, well, Amelie doesn't know what's going on and it's probably wise that she doesn't.

Myrnin walks down the path towards the sheltered area where the hot tub is in a pair of Hawaiian shorts and is carrying a cooler full of drinks.

Behind him is Claire, who is lugging a speaker system and other things that Myrnin could quite easily have carried but didn't "because it's the principle" which is translation for that he's too lazy too.

"Where's Oliver?" Danielle asks and Myrnin instantly throws the cooler down and has a massive hissy fit because he thought that he could have the hot tub to himself but _no_, Danielle had to come and then Claire had to come and now _Oliver_ is coming.

It's all very sad but he recovers by taking one of the beers from the cooler and downing it in one.

"You're on coke because _you're_ only eighteen," he shoots at her, not literally but he gives her some spit so it's sort of an attack. And he never answers her question.

"Oliver is parking his car because he didn't want to walk here," Claire explains as she jumps into the hot tub doing a canon ball. And Danielle jumps out and jumps back in to do the same thing because she's immature like that.

But it's _fun_!

Myrnin wants to do the same but then he remembers that he has to protect his beer from Oliver so doesn't get in the hot tub yet and simply stares at the grass around it that needs the water desperately.

And so he decides to break the hot tub later so that the grass can be happy and blame Oliver because he can blame Oliver for _anything _and he gets away with it.

"Here he is!" Claire is too cheerful for Oliver's arrival so Myrnin docks her three quarters of her pay and drops her odds of survival from 90% to 27% just because he can.

Oliver waggles his eyebrows like a super villain as he approaches the three others at the hot tub, which only has Myrnin deliberately throw up his beer all over Oliver's shoes.

"You look like a paedophile," Myrnin tells him it straight, holding up a bottle of beer and pretending to hand it to Oliver before glugging it himself with a sweet grin. "Add in something that could be used for paedophilia and then you'd be all set to go, Oliver," he continues, which makes Danielle laugh because she's been waiting for this for about a week now, ever since Claire promised to get Myrnin to rile Oliver for her birthday.

Oliver growls and rips his shirt off to reveal a very un-muscular chest with lots of grey hair that makes the girls cringe back and shudder.

"So, Oliver," because Danielle is evil, she decides to tease Oliver who isn't allowed in the hot tub because he's smelly. "Is it true that you and Amelie were together?" she asks innocently, taking a bite of birthday cake as she turns to look at Oliver.

He splutters out his own beer and ends up looking like a little kid because he has spit all over him. "_No!"_ he proclaims loudly. "What gave you that idea?"

Danielle simply shrugs and laughs as she turns up the heat on the hot tub because she's cold. "Oh nothing, just something Amelie said in one of her little girls meetings the other week," she grins.

"What did she say?" Oliver asks, his hopes increasing slightly because he thinks Amelie may be bored of Sam (she isn't).

"I can't tell you," Danielle plays the game like a pro.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell me."

"No."

"TELL ME!"

"NO, YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL OF A BLOODY IDIOT WHO THINKS HE IS BETTER THAN HE IS BECAUSE HE OWNS A COFFEE SHOP THAT, LET ME TELL YOU, MAKES COFFEES SO SHIT THAT I MAKE MY DOG DRINK THEM BECAUSE I DON'T DARE TO MYSELF!" Danielle explodes, throwing her coke can at Oliver.

He wants to cry.

"Why are you so mean to me?" Oliver asks but Danielle ignores him, having gotten her major yelling out of her system.

"Throw us some sweets," Danielle asks Myrnin who obliges simply because Amelie told him he had to today as it's Danielle's birthday and if she's not kept happy, everybody aint happy.

And so Danielle is happy.

…

Danielle begins to shrivel up in the hot tub and so she gets out after a few hours. By now, it's really bright outside so Myrnin and Oliver are moaning together in the shady corner because neither of them want to get burned by the sun as they're weaklings.

"Crank the tunes up, Claire!" Danielle begins to boogie to Olly Murs because he's really hot and an amazing singer and she _likes_ dancing really badly…

So Claire cranks the tunes up to be full volume so that those on the other side of town can here, which pisses Amelie off. But Danielle doesn't care because she's a badass ancient human at the age of eighteen and pissing Amelie off doesn't matter to her.

Because she's badass.

Amelie appears and turns off the music, which leaves the situation a bit awkward for a second because both the girls were singing their hearts out and then the music stopped…and Myrnin was eating cake whilst Oliver was fondling Barty for a bit.

"What in God's name are you doing?" Amelie snaps at Danielle who begins to wave exuberantly at the Founder when she realises that she's standing there.

"Waving!" Danielle replies.

"You are to be admitted to the psychatric hospital tomorrow," Amelie threatens before turning to Oliver. "Dear Lord, what on _earth_ are you wearing?" she sighs as she looks at Oliver's Speedos which have disturbed the rest of them enough to have booked three hundred hours of counselling already.

"Speedos," Oliver replies. "And you're wearing a sack, as usual," he points out Amelie's dress.

She rolls her eyes. "I shall return if I can hear the music, so keep it down or I shall throw you out," she threatens and disappears again.

Tis like _magic_!

So Danielle turns the music back on and realises that Oliver is still staring at where Amelie left from.

"She said that you couldn't regrow Barty," Danielle wiggles her eyebrows (that need shaving because they're all grown out and going blue in the middle) and points to Myrnin and Claire for them to play along.

Myrnin instantly does.

"She said that you're just not skilled enough," Myrnin plays along, chugging down his forty-seventh bottle of beer. "I suppose you shan't prove her wrong either," he grins.

Oliver shakes his head and moves away into the middle of the parched grass. "I can regrow Barty!"

And then the gang realise that he's going to show _them_. Danielle meant for him to show Amelie but she never said that and now she has to see Oliver _naked_!

"ACK!" she's almost sick as Oliver's face looks as if he's constipated and he's pulling this weener thing off where Barty is…and then another, much, _much_ smaller one is replacing it.

"Oliver, you have engaged in paedophilia," Myrnin is most grave as he speaks. "AMELIE!" he then shrieks and turns up the music really, really loud just as Oliver proves he can do it again, taking two ex-Barty's into his hand.

Amelie walks through and sighs, planning on confiscating the stereo when she turns to see Oliver naked.

In front of her and Claire, the latter of whom is underage.

"YOU ARE A PAEDOPHILE!" she shrieks this louder than she's shrieked since she was a kid and it almost bursts Danielle's eardrums.

And then Amelie faints.

"Since Amelie is indisposed, I am in charge!" Myrnin stands up and does his superman voice and stuff but Claire knocks him out.

"Now _I'm_ in charge!" Claire says proudly, planning on running away to MIT.

Then Danielle knocks her out and doesn't say anything as that's what jinxes you to lose being in charge.

"Guards, lock Oliver up!" she calls through and she's good at imitating an Ice Queen Bitch voice which worries Oliver slightly.

And so, with pants down still and Barty slowly regrowing, Oliver is arrested on charges of paedophilia, indecent exposure and for just being a prick.

Danielle goes to Common Grounds, steals all of Oliver's money, and spends it all on shoes and clothes and a passport so she can go to England.

The end.

* * *

_XDDDDDDDDDD_

_review._

_thanks._

_vicky xx_


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